A Dim Light Fading

 

This photograph was taken back in 2006 when I was in an abusive relationship. I worked so hard for so many years to come out of the shell I built around myself because of this. To change. To be more social. To “stop complaining.” To smile more. To trust others. To appreciate the woman I have become.

I gave myself to (metaphorically) and let myself trust or love the wrong people too many times. It caused a lot of damage – but I believe in repair, so in the last year, I have been consciously withdrawing from situations where I feel I am not valued or wronged. It has given me a sense of my own strength, but also unexplicably left me incredibly alone.

People just aren’t good. They don’t “Learn everything to know about life in kindergarten.” They are selfish and conniving, they lie, they cheat, they make each other cry, they prey upon the weak. They use each other. They have vices and obsessions. I’m guilty of all of the above at some point of my life. And I accept that, about myself and others.

I feel like I’m back at the start, minus the hope I had when I was 18. I don’t have college to look forward to anymore. Friendships are stressful to me for the most part. I don’t allow myself to desire marriage or children anymore. Dating anyone “seriously” scares the living crap out of me.

When you find yourself in a place where the only person in your life you feel you can trust and confide in is yourself (ok, aside from the stupid internet..does the internet count as a person?), what do you do?

For me, I guess the only answer is art of some kind.  I need to reconnect with myself and make something again. I don’t know if it is music or photography or what, but something has gotta give.

We’ll see where this attempt at reconnection leads.

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