Circus Freak

What Does it Mean to “Grow Up?”

My life is a living, breathing circus. Since I moved to California in 2001, I consistently find myself asking the question “How did I get here and what on earth am I DOING here?”

This is what I looked like at 5:00pm on Sunday:

Circus Freak

I’m not even going to try to explain that one.

Yesterday, I donned my shell top Adidas shoes and my “toilet bowl chain” necklace (as my best friend’s Dad always so lovingly called it), and made my way up to Hollywood to see KoRn perform a few songs live at Jimmy Kimmel Live.  I watched in awe as one of my best friends was introduced to Jonathan Davis by one of my other friends (/teenagefangirlsqueal).  I got to watch them up close and personal in a super small venue (the new songs are AMAZING and their album came out today, btw).

Someone looking at this from the outside might tell me to “grow up” or think that I’m immature. People have said things like this to me before, and very recently. I become hurt by it for a moment, but then I realize that these people do not really understand me as a person.

Saying something like that to me is kinda hilarious, when you take account of the rest of my life. I sacrificed much of my early 20’s to keep myself on my feet and didn’t take much time to myself, so I’m making up for that now. I take care of all of my responsibilities, am a good dog mom, and even make time to volunteer in my community. I don’t have the luxury of children and a husband to take care of, so I find other things to fill my time with – like getting to know myself really well. I am about as grounded as I am ever going to get.

Does going to concerts and parties make me less of an adult? I personally don’t think so. Honestly, I think that part of the reason I’m so good at my job is because I keep myself as youthful as possible. It’s so much easier to reach kids when you can think like them.

No matter what front I put up, even to myself, I have to remember that I am first and foremost an artist and I have been since I was old enough to have a conscious thought. I fight against this constantly. Some members of my family and even some of my friends have tried to get me to fight against it. It is a losing battle. I am probably never going to be like everyone else. I truly hope I don’t end up a crazy old wrinkly lady still hanging around at concerts, but at the same time I don’t really know what else I will be doing when I’m older…

Anyway. I’d like to see the haters try to live my lifestyle and actually survive a week of it.

We’re all works in progress. If you’re working on progressing, you’re an adult. Don’t judge me. I spend enough time judging myself.

 

 

 

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